(April 1st, 2008) Gregg Larson today announced the formation of a new division of Clareity Security, Clareity Keyboards. “It came to me while I was on the golf course, keyboards are inherently not safe and someone has to do something about it.” “Our new system takes your last name and coverts in to a series of prime numbers, those prime numbers are multiplied by Bill Chee’s birthday and BAM your 17 digit alpha numeric access code is generated!” Asked if his new system works with existing computer keyboards, Larson stated, “No. All REALTOR keyboards will need to be replaced with ‘Clareity MLS-Safe Keyboards’.

(April 1st, 2008) Nick Rapattoni, heir apparent at Rapattoni Corporation, has left the company and has decided to dedicate his efforts full time toward music. “Death Metal is my passion”, stated Nick. “My family is fully supporting me.” (Andy Rapattoni couldn’t be reached for comment) “My music is a mix of System Of the Down and the melodic harmonies of The Carpenters.” continued Nick.

“It’s less than a year now till the next auditions of American Idol, my dream is to bring Death Metal to Idol and rock the house!”

Simon Cowell could not be reached for comment.